Toilet Trouble Guide
by AquilaTempestas
Summary: Kai and Bryan make a guide on how to survive toilet trouble situations. Strong bathroom humour. COMPLETE!
1. Crap Definitions

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Toilet Trouble Guide

**Summary**

Kai and Bryan make a guide on how to survive toilet trouble situations.

**.**

**Chapter One: Crap Definitions**

Kai and Bryan sat beside each other and stared at the words on the screen before them. The words, 'Having Toilet Trouble? Then read on!' were scrawled across the page in big, black, bold print. Kai rubbed his chin thoughtfully and made a low 'hmm' noise. Bryan glanced at him confused. "What?"

"I think we could make a survival guide based on toileting," explained Kai. "We could provide suggestions for tight situations involving toilets," he added. He pointed to himself. "Like the recent scenario I was involved in."

Bryan nodded slowly. "That's not a bad idea... in addition to that we could make a list of definitions and crap."

Kai smirked. "Not a bad idea... what could be the first situation?"

Bryan gazed upwards at the sky. "Ooh, I know! Pooping at Work!"

Kai snapped his fingers. "That's a good one, but I think we need to provide definitions of the types of crap there is first. Our audience must know."

Bryan nodded. "It is very important. Okay, first type of crap is the Ghost Shit."

Kai raised an eyebrow. "What's a Ghost Shit?"

"You know when you really wanna go and crap, but nothing comes out?" Kai nodded and Bryan continued his explanation. "That's the Ghost Shit. It's really annoying because you could be in the middle of something important and you run off to the toilet for nothing." He cursed under his breath. "Happens to me all the time," he grumbled.

Kai typed the words 'Ghost Shit' on a blank Microsoft Word document and provided a description. "Speaking of invisible shit, I think I'll add Clean Shit to the list."

It was now Bryan's turn to Kai for an explanation. Kai sighed. "This one really sucks. It's when you crap, you see it in the toilet, you wipe your butt but there's nothing on the paper." He shook his head. "It's pretty weird. Sometimes I think my arse has secret self-cleaning methods." He shuddered.

"Have you heard of the Wet Shit?" Bryan suddenly asked. "I remember Brooklyn telling me about this time he wiped his butt so many times because it felt still felt unwiped. And you know what he did?" Kai shook his head and gazed at Bryan wide-eyed with curiosity. "He placed some toilet paper between his butt and his underwear so he wouldn't stain them." Bryan cackled madly. The story always amused him.

"I can't believe we're having this conversation..." Kai muttered, but then smiled. It was very entertaining. He just hoped his other teammates wouldn't interrupt. How would they describe that? Somehow he didn't think saying, 'We were just talking about shit," would be sufficient. "Second Wave Shit!" Kai suddenly exclaimed.

"A what?" Bryan said.

"You've crapped, you pull your pants up to you knees when you realize you have to crap some more," he explained. "They really suck especially when you're in the middle of a game or something. I had one of those during a beybattle match and I almost got disqualified because I was running a little late." He laughed nervously.

Bryan shook his head. "That has got to suck, can't say I have experienced one of those before, but I can say I have experienced a Turtle Shit. That's when the crap kinda pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out. It makes me so mad."

"Understandably so. Oh have you heard about the Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead Shit?"

Bryan nodded viciously. "Oh yeah. I remember straining so much to get it out; it looked like I was having convulsions. Those ones are nasty."

"I think I did a Lincoln Log last time," Kai said. "The one that is so friggen huge you're afraid to flush it without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger. It so looked like a radish."

Bryan nodded, impressed. "That's pretty impressive Kai. I've never had a radish one before." At this point in time, Tala decided to enter the room to check out where the source of maddened laughter was coming from. "Ah shit, Tala!" Bryan yelped, glancing at Tala. Kai also turned to look at Tala, his bottom lip quivering in fear. What if Tala found out?

Tala looked at them suspiciously. "Are you looking at porn again?" he asked slyly. Kai moved his head in front of the screen, hoping to hide the words from Tala's eyes. But unfortunately, Tala was extremely observant. "Kai... move out of the way."

Kai hung his head low and moved out of the way for Tala. Tala scanned the screen, frowned then burst out into hysterical laughter. "AH HA HA HA HA HA!" he cackled, bringing a hand to his eye. "You're gonna make an informative website about shit? That is fuckin' epic men!" He clapped both Bryan and Kai on the back. "Here's two more for ya. The Gas-sy Shit and the Drinker Shit. The Gas-sy Shit is the kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. Just ask Tyson. Now the Drinker Shit happens the morning after a long heavy night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. Oh, of course there's the Corn Shit but that is self explanatory. See you guys later," he said, exiting the room laughing.

Bryan breathed out a sigh of relief. "Well that wasn't so bad."

Kai sighed. "Yeah, thank God. Okay, what's the next one?"

"The Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Shit. You sit on the loo and fart but nothing happens. You leave the bathroom feeling depressed," Bryan explained. "Then there's the Spinal Tap Shit. It's really painful you swear you're passing a pineapple."

Kai shuddered. The Spinal Tap ones really hurt. He was almost brought to tears once. "The Power Dump. You pass a crap so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. Spencer told me that one."

"Remember when Boris told us about the Liquid Shit and we all puked?" Kai nodded. Smelly memories. "It was so gross listening to him telling us about yellowish-brown liquid shooting out of the butt and all over the toilet bowl," he added, shuddering. Very smelly times indeed.

"That reminds me of the Mexican Shit. The really smelly type that makes you wanna hurl. I remember when Max stunk out the whole bathroom..." Kai and the rest of the Bladebreakers had run of the hotel screaming.

Bryan looked at the words on the screen. They had over ten definitions for crap. Impressive. "The Upper Class Shit. Basically a word for the snobby people like the Majestics who don't make smelly craps." Lucky bastards, he thought bitterly. "Then there's the one that catches you completely off guard. I call it the Surprise Shit."

"Like you think you're gonna fart but a crap pops out instead?" Kai asked. Bryan nodded. "Those ones are annoying, it's like make up your mind already." He sighed heavily. "Here's the last one. The Dangling Shit. It refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done crapping. So you just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose so you can quickly run away. I know from personal experience. I'm plagued with these types."

Bryan and Kai looked at each other and back at the screen. They couldn't believe all the work they had managed to achieve. "Holy shit, we're totally rocking at this," commented Bryan. "Now for the next part. Pooping at Work."

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Reviews appreciated!


	2. Pooping at Work

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Toilet Trouble Guide

**Summary**

Kai and Bryan make a guide on how to survive toilet trouble situations.

**.**

**Chapter Two: Pooping at Work**

Bryan took over the keyboard and begun typing. Kai read the words out aloud over his shoulder, whilst trying to contain himself from bursting out into hysterical laughter. "We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK SHIT is inevitable. Here is the survival guide for taking a dump and memorize these definitions. It will make shitting a more pleasurable experience," Kai read, before falling off the chair out of laughter. "This shit is seriously fucked up," he said, holding his stomach. He was getting stitches. "What's the first definition?" he said, pulling himself back onto the chair.

"The Escapee," Bryan said proudly. "It's basically a fart that slips out whilst taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. You know, it's a similar feeling to that hot flash you get when passing an unseen police car whilst you're speeding. If you release an Escapee, you must remember to stay calm. Pretend it did not happen. If you are in a cubicle next to a farter, pretend you are a deaf. I advise bringing an ipod along. No one likes an escape as it is very uncomfortable for all involved," Bryan explained, typing as he spoke.

Kai shuddered. Sounded pretty damn scary. He couldn't say he had experienced one before and he certainly hoped not. "That sounds nasty."

Bryan nodded. "It is. The Escapee is used in conjunction with Jailbreak."

Kai clapped excitedly. "I love that game!"

Bryan raised an eyebrow. "This isn't a game Kai; this is some dangerous shit." Kai's expression turned sombre and he listened to Bryan carefully, not blinking once at all. "It's when you force a poop and several farts slip out a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this happens, remain calm; just wait in your stall until everyone is gone." He shuddered. He had experienced one of these before. It wasn't something he wanted to suffer again.

Kai suddenly jumped up excitedly. "I've got one! The Courtesy Flush!"

Bryan raised the other eyebrow. "The what?"

Kai regained his composure and explained the term. "The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This basically reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This helps you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame."

Bryan was interested. "Walk of Shame? Like hang your head down and walk slowly?"

Kai nodded. "Pretty much. You walk away from the smelly stall to the stink. This can be pretty uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and catches you red-handed. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist."

"That reminds me of an Out of the Closet Pooper," Bryan shuddered, the term causing a shiver to run down his spine. "This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. They're pretty easy to spot. They enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm to avoid looking suspicious. Be scared and always keep an eye out for these weirdos. When it's times like these, you really need a PFN."

"PFN?

"The Pooping Friends Network. It's a group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you monitor the whereabouts of the Out of the Closet Pooper. They can help you identify a Safe Haven."

"There are Safe Havens?" Boy, Bryan sure was a pooping expert. Kai looked at him with adoration and a new form of respect.

"A Safe Haven is seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominately of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom."

"Like a Turd Burglar right?"

Now it was Bryan's turn to be pleasantly surprised by Kai's knowledge. "It's a pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. Rei is well known for this. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until Turd Burglar leaves. You can avoid all unconformable eye contact." Kai shook his head. "That Rei..."

"Ah that's when a Camo Cough is needed. It's a phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a Watermelon or to alert people like Rei. This is pretty effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire. An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert Rei-type people that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace," explained Bryan. He also knew this from experience. Once Garland had tried to barge into his toilet. A simple cough scared him away.

Kai nodded and rubbed his chin. He had been busted by Rei before because he didn't know of any methods to warn him off. But thanks to Bryan's expertise he was well-equipped to fight off Turd Burglars. "So... what's a Watermelon?" Kai asked, sounding interested. Who knew talking about shit could be so much fun?

"It's a shit that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. Use a Camo Cough when you feel one coming."

Kai made a fake gagging noise. "Ew, that sounds like the cousin of a Havana Omelet. It's a load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water which is often accompanied by an escapee. I guess you can use the Camo Cough and Astaire to alert people."

"Do you think Rei is an Uncle Ted?" Bryan suddenly asked.

"An Uncle Ted? What is that?"

"Well they're basically like Turd Burglars, but they seem to linger around forever before busting into your stall. They might spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. These people make it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty."

Kai nodded thoughtfully. "Kinda sounds like Rei. He's a bit sneaky that one. The PFN needs a Fly By then."

"Fly-By?"

"The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom."

"That's some sound advice Kai. I think we need to start a PFN Joining List."

Kai nodded. "That would be a good idea. What's the final definition?"

"The Crack Whore! Spencer's favourite. It's a crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a Crack Whore include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid Crack Whores at all costs. Use the PFN to find out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget witha good cleaning, a Crack Whore can become a Safe Haven."

Kai wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Eurgh, Spencer's a nasty bitch. What's the next list?"

Bryan grinned. This was going to be good. "The Pee Names list."

.

Ha ha that was fun to write! Review please!


	3. The Pee List

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Toilet Trouble Guide

**Summary**

Kai and Bryan make a guide on how to survive toilet trouble situations.

**Special Thank Yous**

black angel falling, Darial Kuznetsova, Beywriter, chocolatexloverx16, Blood Staind Roses, sasukechica, and LoTuSfIReSwOrD for reviewing.

.

**Chapter Three: The Pee List**

Pooping was a pretty important part of life, but peeing was just as important. Just like crapping, there were many different ways you could pass some urine. Bryan grinned triumphantly. The website was really beginning to shape up. Perhaps they could add some photos and fun animations later on? That would be fun. "So what's next Bryan?" Kai asked again.

"The Pee Names list," Bryan replied casually. "There are twenty different ways one can pee. Most of these apply to guys though... I mean we are guys. We don't really know how women pee."

Kai nodded in agreement. "Well they sit on the toilet for starters," he said helpfully. It was a start at least. Bryan didn't reply and Kai decided to change the focus back to how guys pee. "What's the first type Bryan?"

"The Excitable Type. This is when you're in a hurry, but your pants are twisted. You get so frustrated that you can't find a damn hole you rip your pants apart in anger," he explained. "Guys like Johnny usually have this problem."

Kai nodded. He knew that feeling. Peeing was an art... just like pooping although they required different skills. Pooping required the pooper to grunt and strain heaps. Peeing was more peaceful quiet. "I guess there's the Sociable Type. Enrique is this type of pee person. He joins his pals for a pee whether he wants one or not. Sociable Types are usually Nosy Types. Guys like Enrique take a peep at another guy's junk." What dirty fiends, he thought. Perverts.

Bryan shuddered. He'd never go into a toilet with Enrique anytime to soon. "The Timid Type is reserved for guys like Kenny. They can't pee if anyone is watching, so he pretends he has been and sneaks back later. You can detect if the Timid types are lying by checking out their body language." Body language was exceptionally important in decoding what type of pooper or peeer they were.

Kai's eyes lit up excitedly. He had another definition. "There's the Indifferent Type. Guys like Tyson don't give a rats ass what they pee into. If all the urinals are occupied, he will use the sink." He screwed his nose up in disgust. No wonder the bathrooms always stunk.

Bryan snickered to himself. He had a good one. "The Clever Type represents guys like Robert. Instead of holding their tool, they are too busy using their hands to adjust their tie. Pee usually ends up on their foot or on the floor." He snickered again. He loved bathroom humour, especially when associating different definitions to fellow beybladers.

Kai joined Bryan in his laughter then collected himself. "I think Robert also fits under the Vain Type. Instead of undoing two buttons, he undoes five."

"Lee is the Absent-Minded Type. You know the type of guy who opens his jacket, takes out his tie and ends up peeing in his pants?" Bryan questioned, holding back a laugh.

Kai giggled. He knew the type. "Oh there's the Worried Type like Mystel. He isn't sure what he has been up to lately so he makes a furtive but close inspection of junk while peeing," he explained. He had to admit, sometimes he did this too. Tala was a sneaky bastard that enjoyed playing tricks on his teammates in the middle of the night.

"The Disgruntled Type is Rick. He stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering," he said in between laughs.

Kai bent over and let out a loud cackle. That sounded like Rick. "Oh here's a good one. The Conceited Type. Michael is a prime example of one. He's the type of guy that holds his junk like a baseball bat while peeing," he explained.

Bryan grinned. "I think Enrique would fit under that type as well." He laughed at the thought. Who knew there could be so many different ways to categorize people based on the peeing behaviour? "Rei's the Sneaky Type. He drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him." Rei was indeed a dangerous one. Not only was he a Turd Burglar, but he tried to cast blame on others.

Kai shuddered. He never knew Rei could be so lethal. He would have to keep two eyes on him next time he met Rei. "Daichi's the Sloppy Type. He pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone and adjusts himself ten minutes later. Tyson fits under this as well." He shook his head. No style at all. He couldn't believe Tyson was the world beyblading champion.

It was Bryan's turn to shudder. Sloppy types were lazy slobs. "Max is the Childish Type. He watches the bubbles at the bottom of the urinal whilst he pees," said Bryan. Max was the Momma's Boy of the beyblading world. He wandered how long it took for Max to gain the confidence to pee on his own.

Kai giggled hysterically. "Unlike guys like Max and Kenny, Garland is definitely the Strong Type. He bangs his junk on the side of the urinal to remove the drops," said Kai. Garland was a man made out of steel. He wasn't sure he could do the same thing.

"Oliver would be reading a book or newspaper whilst he peed," said Bryan. "He's the Learned Type." He suspected Kenny would also bring in a book or even his laptop to pass some time.

"Unlike Raul," Kai giggled again. "He's the Embarrassed Type meaning he'd be covering his tool whilst peeing." With his hands most likely, or he'd grab a book and use that to cover up.

Bryan read Kai's mind "He would probably use a book to cover himself up. He's a bit like Raul and Kenny combined," Bryan said. Kai nodded in agreement. "Anyway... Steve is the Drunken Type pee person. He pulls out junk, sees two, puts one away and pees in trousers."

"He's certainly not the Efficient Type like Brooklyn. Brooklyn waits until he has to poop and does both at the same time," explained Kai.

"And here's the final one: the Cock-Eyed Type. This is Tala. He stands in one cubicle and pees in the next one," he added, having the final say. "Sadly there's no more which means we'll have to move onto a new section. I think we should go back to pooping." Kai nodded in agreement. The Pee Name list was entertaining, but he preferred pooping. He looked at Bryan eagerly. He couldn't wait to see what his friend came up with.

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What to see what's next? Just leave a review!


	4. The Dump List

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Toilet Trouble Guide

**Summary**

Kai and Bryan make a guide on how to survive toilet trouble situations.

**Special Thank Yous**

Inyoface, chocolatexloverx16, Phoenix07, black angel falling, Blood Staind Roses, , Darial Kuznetsova and Enpowera for reviewing.

**.**

**Chapter Four: The Dump List**

Bryan had decided to resort back to the pooping list. There was just something extremely compelling about describing the pooping function. Bryan really thought it was quite an amazing thing and Kai wasn't the one to disagree. He too found pooping extremely fascinating. Kai stretched his arms and glanced at Bryan. He had just finished placing various images of toilets on the webpage. "So what's next, Bryan?" he asked, growing excited with each passing second.

Bryan smirked. "The Dump List."

Kai smirked back. "Sweet." He rubbed his hands excitedly together. "So what's first?"

"The Perfect Dump. Everyone experiences the perfect dump; it's rare, but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of a professional high-diving champion. You reach out to grab a toilet tissue, wipe your ass and then realize it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it."

Kai wished he had experienced one of those. It would make life much easier. "Well, I've got one, it's called the Beer Dump. This one is pretty damn nasty and really depends on the pooper's tolerance. Beer dumps are usually the result of too many beers – doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, length, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days."

Bryan sniggered to himself. He was guilty having a Beer Dump. In fact, he had suffered quite a few. "The Chili Dump, this is when it comes in hot and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging and generally making your butt feel like a heat shield. Also makes your ass look like 'a Japanese Flag.' Just use your imagination," he added quickly, noting Kai's confusion.

It was now Kai's turn again. "The Empty Roll Dump. Relief is the very first emotion you feel... until you find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Relief is quickly replaced by a strong wave of panic. You could use the curtains, but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug?" He shook his head. "Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face... pull up your undergarments, tighten your buttcheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. That always requires some skill." He shook his head. It was a traumatic time for him.

"The Splash Back Dump is next. This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet – and embarrassed i if the column of water went half way up your back," explained Bryan. "It's pretty damn disgusting."

Kai nodded in agreement. He could imagine. "Have you heard of the Childbirth Dump?"

Bryan shook his head. "No, what is the Childbirth Dump?" he said, like it was the most normal question anyone could ever ask.

Kai grinned. This was going to be good. "This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming, 'Man Dies Trying to Hatch Monster Load!' And when this happens, you have three options: Scream, call an obstetrician or hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it."

Bryan shuddered visibly. Sounded extremely painful. "The Machine Gun Dump is generally what Tyson is guilty of. He sits there in a sublime peace when suddenly he emits a group of noisy gassy burts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16."

Kai wrinkled his nose in disgust. Sounded extremely disgusting, yet lethal. "Kinda reminds me of the Sound Effect Dump. You feel a noisy one coming on, but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is crucial. At the precise moment of release, try the following: Flush the toilet, drop loose change on the floor or randomly sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera... loudly."

Bryan laughed aloud. He had tried singing opera before and everyone ran away in fear. Good times. "There's the Cling-On Dump. You've finished, but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump, but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peace between you and the water below. It's moments like these you really need scissors," he explained. These types were little bitches.

Kai nodded, he had one of these before, but that was another story. Time to move on to the next definition. "The Whole Roll Dump. No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and hve to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually, if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do: towels, wash clothes, carpet and walls... whatever it takes." Luckily, he had never experienced one of these, but he knew Spencer had. "Two more definitions left?" Kai asked.

Bryan nodded. These were his personal favourites. "There's the Houdini Dump. You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in." Kai was shocked. That would be a very nasty surprise. "And the final one is the Encore Dump. Ahh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands are about to leave the stall when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. I once reached three encores," he said proudly, a big smile on his face.

Kai shook his head sadly. He had never managed an encore. "I guess that's all for pooping."

Bryan nodded. "But we're not finished. I'm thinking of moving onto farts next." A big smirk took hold of Kai's features. This was his area of expertise. He couldn't wait to get started.

.

Farting chapter next! Are you excited?


	5. The Fart List

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Toilet Trouble Guide

**Summary**

Kai and Bryan make a guide on how to survive toilet trouble situations.

**Special Thanks**

...Just realized I haven't updated this story since last October? Many thanks must go to Darial Kuznetsova, chocolatexloverx16, Bakura From School, The JohnnyMcKilt Products and I Jizz In My Pants for reviewing the previous chapter. Enjoy the final chapter!

**.**

**Chapter Five: The Fart List**

Kai rubbed his hands together with eager excitement. Farting was his speciality! He could decode any fart! Loud, quiet, smelly, wet... Kai had a name for each one. But for the sake of keeping things short and sweet, Kai decided to explain the ones which were truly special. "Alright Bryan, the first fart is called the Alarm Fart. It's a high note, wavers like a siren then ends with a quick downard note which ends randomly. Unfortunately, this one is pretty rare. Second one that people really need to know is the Anticipated Fart. This one warns that is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. See someone that looks uneasy in a crowd? They're probably dealing with one of these," Kai explained.

Bryan nodded slowly, absorbing the information. "I see what you mean. I'll add the Bathtub and Shower Fart to the list. Bathtub ones are truly special – you can see the bubbles as a result of the fart. Shower ones are truly dreadful. You can tolerate the smell of your own farts, but shower farts the exception."

Kai nodded in agreement. Shower farts were powerful! "Have you heard about the Biggest Fart in the World Fart?" Bryan shook his head. "It's the type of fart which occurs in a crowded room. Everyone is busy doing something... when one person farts. It's so loud everything goes silent. Very impressive stuff."

Bryan nodded. "Some of those Biggest Farts in the World Farts can be classified as either the Bullet Fart – it sounds like a rifle shot – or like a Chinese Firecraker – which is composed of a variety of noises, mostly pops and bangs. This one gets a lot of applause as it is pretty impressive." He stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Now that I mention it, I'm pretty certain Tyson is guilty of it. Tyson was a lethal farter.

"Those type of farts can occur in the middle of a crowd," Kai said. "The Crowd Fart – very potent odor enough to make a few people look around. You can't tell who the guillty one is unless they panic. This is very common."

Bryan nodded understandingly. He was guilty of crowd farting. "If possible, I will try a Cushioned Fart. This is when you try to push your butt way down into a cushion and fart very carefully without moving for sometime. Some odor may escape, but usually not much." He too was quite guilty of this.

Kai grinned. He was an infamous Cushioned Farter. "Now the Dud Fart is a fart that fails. This usually leads to disappointment by the farter." He shook his head sadly. Not being able to pass a fart was a big blow to the ego. "There's also something called the Ghost Fart. You enter a room, smell a fart yet no one is there. A nasty surprise." Especially if Tyson was in the room.

"He's such a jerk," Bryan muttered. "Which leads me to this: The Jerk Farter. One who smirks, smiles, grins and points to himself in case you missed it. Proud arrogant bastard," he added. Many arrogant people were guilty of this.

Kai's eyes widened suddenly. "Oh My God!"

"What?"

"The Oh My God fart! This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts as it smells much like a month-old rotten egg. If you should ever encounter it, however you may first want to say, 'oh shit' which would be understandable." A visible shudder ran up his spine. Awful thing it was.

"Oh, have you ever heard of the Rambling Phaduka Fart? Tala mentioned it once," Bryan started.

Kai frowned. He had not. "What is it?"

"Do not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name for it is truly terrifying to experience. It sounds painful and it's long leaving the farter unable to speak. May last for fifteen seconds."

"That sounds truly horrible don't think I've ever experienced one of those," Kai said, stroking his chin gently. "The Relief Fart is far more common. Doesn't matter about the sound or odor, what matters is the tremendous sense of relief that follows after you pass the fart. If someone says, 'wow what a relief' you can be sure they just released one."

"Guilty!" Bryan announced, his grin widening. "Also guilty of the SBD – the silent but deadly fart. Very common."

Kai was the King of SBD Farts. Some could say his farting matched his quiet but deadly personality. "Unlike SBD Farts, Silkshaw ones are quite impressive yet uncommon. What happens is that it vibrates the farter – really shakes the farter up causing people to back away. I've only seen this happen once – happened to Spencer. Pretty damn hysterical." The image of Spencer vibrating after he farted flashed before his mind. The corners of his mouth curved upwards. Good times.

"And finally, the Thank God I'm Alone Fart. Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm Alone" then you get out of there fast! I guess that can lead to the Ghost Fart," said Bryan, giving Kai a sideways glance.

Kai nodded. "Indeed." His eyes scanned the long list of farting definitions. "Well... we've certainly covered a lot." He was somewhat sad about it – it had been an enjoyable experience.

Bryan wiped his eye with the back of his right hand as if he were crying. "I can't believe we've reached the end," he said, looking at the webpage sadly.

Kai nodded. "It's been a good run, we covered many useful things."

"Hopefully our fans will appreciate all our hard work," Bryan added. "And hopefully it makes their toileting experiences more entertaining as they can now explain their experiences." Bryan saved the webpage and logged off his computer. It was now time for some baked beans. "You want some baked beans Kai?"

Kai smirked. "Sure thing Bryan."

.

Oh my God, I've actually managed to finish a multi-chaptered story! This is truly an amazing feat for me to achieve! Short as it was, it required a lot of research. Anyways... for the last time, reviews are much appreciated! Hope you all enjoyed this story!


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